Sometimes I hate not having a choice in having a choice.

I actually already know some of the answers to some of these questions. I just don’t know what to do with them.

How do I put this knowledge and awareness to implementation and application and self improvement?

Should I even be beating myself up about these things right now? Just because something goes wrong and it was partly your fault… Does it make it a mistake? Does it recommend change.

I do embrace the… Uncertainty.

But it’s painful being alone somewhere so chaotic, interesting, breath-taking, intense, turbulent, and so beautiful you could cry or implode. I feel like a tourist abandoned by her favorite travel buddy and companion. We were both lost, but at least he was someone to bounce ideas to and fro.

Like I said, I was the one who got hurt in the end, the causes of which were my own actions. And I can be all pseudo-schizophrenic and apologize to myself over and over again, but I really don’t think I’ll ever be able to forgive myself.

That cleared that up with me. Now that I remember the conversation. Ignorance is bliss in the way that people tend to ignore or reject (in one way or another) facts/logic/rationale to make themselves happy in ways logic and rationale can’t. They do it for gain, for indulgence, for peace, and for love. Not knowing can’t harm you in the same way being indifferent or rejecting the truth can’t harm you. In whatever situation, people have the choice to be happy.

Or some shit like that.

Don’t get me wrong, folks. When you abandon “reason” for love, it doesn’t make you a fool… But it does make you a go-getter; doing what you want to do despite the odds for something that’s more powerful than logic and unfathomable by science. You can argue about hormones and chemicals and nerves, and how they’re all behind emotion. Love is far more complex. You can be in love without a heartbeat out of place, without breaking a sweat, and without sexual instinct.

but those are just remnants of some wonderful serene moments for me when we were together. its just feels good to take it back out off my mind one more time. though my eyes weren’t so sure about it. it just dropped a tear.

i’m about to go.

or

Finally, let him go. He needs his space. Time. Distance. To be away from me. Far far away, in order to be sane. To be okay.

And I understand. I was so confused at first, I wish he was kind enough to finally explain to me exactly why he had to do this… then it all made perfect sense. He also actually really doesn’t blame me. It’s just something that NEEDS to be done.

I don’t know what the future holds for either of us… If we will ever see each other EVER again or not… But it is over. I’m finally letting him go for his own sake. He hardly asked anything of me, and now that he wants me to leave him be… I need to give him this. ‘Tis the least I can do. There’s a lot more that was said, but I really can’t say it here. He’ll eventually be okay (and no, I’m not just saying that to make me feel better; he will get over me/it/this/himself/us). I wish the best for him.